I am somewhat nostalgic right now. I usually am when I see a good movie. I saw Notes on a Scandal which was not personally relevant at all. There was only one line that particularly resonated with me. It was about the distance between your dreams and reality. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. For some reason I can not stop listening to Nelly Furtado's "All Good Things" that deals with not being able to understand the reality you are in. How come life can not be about art, literature, theatre, dance, writing, and ideas? Why does it eat us up and take out the happiness that was born in our roots. Is being aware important or is it just another way to realize what is missing?
There is always something more waiting around the corner. Every time I want to sleep I am disappointed. There is so much life and I am not sitting there with a wine class and a fountain pen. Instead I play games and watch television. I seem to be waiting all the time. I hate waiting and my blood is running through an hourglass.

This week has been busy, interesting, and fast paced. I am facing the new challenges that come with the new job title. I am facing a new semester and the intricacies of having to remember everything at once. Personally, I feel fulfilled in an enviornment that allows me to make decisions and become involved with things I feel will be helpful to the goals of the institutions I am in. It is also a place with fewer pretenses and I feel at home. I feel happy with my work family.
At home I am having a wonderful time planning what life will be like with yellow bookcases and orange walls. I am excited and overwhelmed at once.
I also miss people. This is leading to a seeping sadness that pops up every now and then when I am not expecting it. I miss those that I love that have died on a continual basis. There is always some sort of gap between my smile and the idea that someone has missed it. I miss my friends that live in Nebraska, Mexico, New York, France, Colorado, but not here. I miss my friend that has one foot in the moving away door. I miss my friends that are here and I don't see. Where is all the time going.
I miss my godchildren. I miss the what they look like when they smile. I miss laughing with them.
I miss the ideas that are gone.
Mostly I am happy. Mostly I am lucky. Some people don't even have something to miss.

This may be a very unpopular post. I feel like I am alone in the sentiments I am about to express. I do feel the need to pour them out because they are trapped in part of me that finds it more and more difficult to understand people.
Lately I have been very alienated. I have had issues relating to many people. One of these issues is lust. I am a pretty sexual person but lately I have understood lust less and less. By lust I mean the physical lust and sexual want that people seem to have for glossy ideals of beauty. I feel like everywhere I go I see someone else worshipping another idealized model of a fake reality. I constantly hear people talking about how much they want that star or this model. I don't feel that.
It isn't like I haven't. I had my shares of Katherine Moennig, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp moments but they are dwindling and dying out. I don't know what it is exactly, aside from a repulsion that comes from a society that only recognizes physical features as important and the constant pressure society puts on women to be one of these icons of a stylized beauty that doesn't exist in nature. I feel angry about it.
Attraction to me has its physical aspects. I enjoy the beauty of women and men. I enjoy looking at the way someone's eyes sparkle or the way their hair falls over their face. What I don't like is the fact that people seem to just see a picture or some Hollywood movie and engage as if it were some sort of love affair. It seems that people hardly recognize the amazing attractions that come from ideas and movements and chemistry. It seems like people don't notice things in people like the way their hearts and energies move their mouths or their fingers. How could they when the people they are watching don't even exist in their own lives.
Maybe it is just one more thing that is disconnecting us from ourselves and each other. I am not sure but I just can't seem to relate.