librarian sans library

2008-06-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

Today I discovered a new magazine. The magazine is not new but my awareness of it is. A few weeks ago in Portland I was roaming around the immense Powell's bookstore and found Radical Teacher. Of course the title had me at hello and as soon as I started flipping through the articles I realized this was something I had to take with me. This morning I went to a nice coffee shop and dove into my new treasure. The articles included ways to use myspace when teaching feminism and perspectives on teaching a documentary about the way television portrays the working class. Pepi Leistyna made the film Class Dismissed and provides a very comprehensive list of alternative media sources. Once again I feel like I have tapped a previously unknown well of information that I need to pursue on a more profound level. As I start looking through this I will leave you with a preview for Class Dismissed.

2008-06-22T23:34:00.000-07:00

It is 1:30 in the morning and my eyes are closing on me. I don't know why I am prompted to come here to express this but where else would I go at this hour. George Carlin died. Aside from finding his comedy quite brilliant and insightful I am trying to figure out why this is so disturbing to me.

It could have to do with my skewed relationship with what is called humor. I can watch comedians do stand up on Comedy Central all day and not laugh once. The movies that most people seem to find funny, I find ridiculous and offensive. For a while my line was, "everyone knows I don't have a sense of humor." It isn't that. I have a sense of humor but it needs a little more prodding than Mencia selling out his race. Recently someone sent me a George Carlin dialogue and I couldn't stop laughing. He makes comedy theoretical and takes it a step further. He doesn't have to appeal to the obvious racist, sexist, fall on your face stunts that other mainstream comedy seems to be so fond of. How many male comedians talk about the abortion issue? How many female comedians for that matter? Fearless and brilliant, he will be missed.

2008-04-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been putting off posting to this blog. This happens while I keep telling people about the wonders of blogging and the fact that I have one. So it is a little embarrassing because they come here and there is nothing written outside of apologies for not writing.
I am a little intimidated, I guess. When I started blogging it felt very personal but lately I have been finding the amazing power of blogging. There are so many people I admire for blogging about the injustices of the world and the art of their lives. When I read these blogs I put so much pressure on my blog to be that kind of beautiful but my blog is just me and my life. There is a space for my social justice blogging but I haven't gotten into that mode yet.
In the meantime I have to recommend three brilliant bloggers that I have on my links but need to be mentioned. The first is a librarian who was my professor. Her perception of blogging is that it is an avenue to spread information that does not get passed around by mass media. It is called A Librarian at the Kitchen Table. It is also part of the Human Rights Bloggers network. The second is another professor of mine from my academic sociology days. I used to love going into her classes and had missed hearing her voice on race issues in the U.S. Now I have access to her on her blog, Why Am I Not Surprised? The third blogger, I was introduced to recently and got the chance to meet at the WAM conference. Her writing is beautiful and brilliant. It is entrenched in real human rights information and worded in that way that makes you wish you could just call her when you are having an argument with some narrow mind and ask her what she would say because it comes out so much better than what you say. Her site is La Chola.
So I will tell you about some personal work and things on the next post. For now I just wanted you to know that I am here, even when I am not.

2008-03-06T00:19:00.000-08:00

I am so ungrateful! I have left my blog for another blog it would seem. This is not true. I have been dormant in my need to express myself in cyberspace. This also comes with the added insult that I have been running around the world telling people that they should write their own blogs...or post on the ones they already have. I applaud blogs and count their virtues while I site my favorite bloggers. Meanwhile the little woman in my head is screaming at me that my blog is cold and lonely and it has not been fed. Yesterday my cousin said, "I tried to access your blog and it wasn`t there" The horror! I thought, "This is finally it. My blog could not take my indiscretions and it has left me. Say it ain`t so!" To my relief it is still here despite my behavior. I am coming back because, the guilt no withstanding, the words are fighting their way to the top and that gives me headaches.

2007-09-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

I am very excited to announce that I am now a blogger on Feminist Pulse. I will be writing about all my happy (and unhappy) feminist thoughts there. Check it out. It is a part of Girlistic magazine. I know I owe you posts over here. Don't get all jealous on me.

2007-09-12T13:56:00.000-07:00

My friend, Changeseeker posted a wonderful blog with this picture in it and I just had to share.

2007-08-31T07:05:00.001-07:00

This morning I decided to send in a little submission to a zine. It is based on body image and I thought that everyone has a little something to contribute to that discussion. Yesterday I had a very animated discussion about an Axe commercial based on a post on the feministing blog.
We talked about societal perceptions of body image. The thing that I think is interesting is how much I missed within myself. I know about what marketing and society does to women but does that help me actually avoid the pitfalls of the brainwashing?

A few years ago my cousin told me that I was anorexic. I was sooooooooo insulted. (By the way I am sorry to bring this up again Moo but I thought it was important). We were talking about it recently and I asked him why he said it. He told me that I wouldn't eat, that I constantly talked about my weight and I was completely obsessive. Here is the definition:
anorexia
noun
a prolonged disorder of eating due to loss of appetite

I was anorexic and I didn't even notice it. You know for all of my so called self awareness I really was in the closet about a lot of things...which is another story for another time. For now I would like to thank my cousin for helping me see the things I didn't want to....Ohhh and here is my submission:

A few years ago I got very depressed and stopped eating. I unintentionally lost 20 pounds in two weeks. When people saw me they were all amazed. I looked so wonderful, amazing, beautiful, confident, sexy, happy, healthy, etc. All this really only meant that I looked thinner. I didn’t think I was fat before. After that I felt compulsive about not gaining weight. I felt that it was really strange that my body image issues came from losing weight instead gaining it and that compliments fed it. Since then I have gained 40 pounds and become a radical feminist. My mind understands this and sees the magic in my curves and is proud. There is a little demon though, I call her StandardX, who lives in my thoughts and constantly tells me how much nicer it would be to wear those clothes again.

2007-08-23T14:43:00.000-07:00

I know I owe the blog about a million posts about Michigan. They are coming up...very soon. I just need to get something off of my chest. I found a wonderful feministy blog yesterday thanks to my library superfriend. It was referencing whether your should address the a**holes who think they have perfect reason to challenge your feminism because they are men and they know better than you...of course....poor little girl.

Twisty talked about the lack of necessity for engaging....in a much more elaborate way then I could right now. I agreed. Then today I did it....I didn't say all the things I wanted to say...and I felt horrible. I was telling someone I work with that I plan to change my major to Women's Studies. He replied, "I study women." Big sigh. I called him trite and typical. He tried to explain to me that it was true because he did marriage counseling. I guess this implies that marriages are all in trouble because of women. I asked well who do you read...He said, "myself" Another sigh. He was getting defensive and said that he read about counseling in self help books. (Yes this is really professional and academic) He thinks one of them was written by a woman but he can't remember her name.

I am still angry about it. I called him on it but not as much as I wanted to. I have mentally come up with a list of dozens of ways that one little phrase is wrong. "I study women" I should have said that I study sexist jerks and we should make an appointment to talk some time.

2007-08-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

We are back from the wonderful experience in Michigan. I thought about how I was going to feel down about leaving my hippy happy world behind for the world of schedules and conformity. I got to the thinking however that what I want to do is incorporate me into my life. There are many things I can do and as you can imagine, instead of sleeping I come up with a million ideas every night of how to do this. I don't know how many of them will work but I will try very hard to do as many of them as I can. I have always thought that if I set out to do ten things I will do one....but if I set out to do a hundred things I will do do ten....So I am setting out to do a thousand things. :)

The first thing on my agenda is to turn the T.V. off. It has become so extremely obvious to me that it is the thing that is sucking the most creativity and productivity out of my life. I put a sign on it that says.."This is not poetry" which I think is poetic. Speaking of poetry I wrote one last night and I am debating about where I should put it....Any suggestions?

More on Michigan soon....

2007-08-02T11:06:00.000-07:00

I really need to start maintaining this blog. My latest news is that I didn't get a position I applied for. Strangely enough I felt relieved when I was told. I learned so much from the process but I feel that right now I am doing well where I am. I am very excited about doing 2.0 stuff (hence the need to really start doing this blog religiously. I am happy. I feel like I went on a learning journey and succeeded and I don't have to change my blog name.... jejeje :) I will have another update soon....really....I will.

2007-05-29T08:05:00.000-07:00

This is great. The University of Massachusetts decided to honor Andrew Card with an honorary degree. The students were furious and wore signs that said "honor graduates, discard" My favorite thing is that faculty were also wearing these signs. When he is announced there is a huge protest sign behind him. You have to see it to get the full effect.

2007-01-29T18:47:00.000-08:00

I am somewhat nostalgic right now. I usually am when I see a good movie. I saw Notes on a Scandal which was not personally relevant at all. There was only one line that particularly resonated with me. It was about the distance between your dreams and reality. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. For some reason I can not stop listening to Nelly Furtado's "All Good Things" that deals with not being able to understand the reality you are in. How come life can not be about art, literature, theatre, dance, writing, and ideas? Why does it eat us up and take out the happiness that was born in our roots. Is being aware important or is it just another way to realize what is missing?
There is always something more waiting around the corner. Every time I want to sleep I am disappointed. There is so much life and I am not sitting there with a wine class and a fountain pen. Instead I play games and watch television. I seem to be waiting all the time. I hate waiting and my blood is running through an hourglass.

2007-01-19T12:10:00.001-08:00

This week has been busy, interesting, and fast paced. I am facing the new challenges that come with the new job title. I am facing a new semester and the intricacies of having to remember everything at once. Personally, I feel fulfilled in an enviornment that allows me to make decisions and become involved with things I feel will be helpful to the goals of the institutions I am in. It is also a place with fewer pretenses and I feel at home. I feel happy with my work family.
At home I am having a wonderful time planning what life will be like with yellow bookcases and orange walls. I am excited and overwhelmed at once.
I also miss people. This is leading to a seeping sadness that pops up every now and then when I am not expecting it. I miss those that I love that have died on a continual basis. There is always some sort of gap between my smile and the idea that someone has missed it. I miss my friends that live in Nebraska, Mexico, New York, France, Colorado, but not here. I miss my friend that has one foot in the moving away door. I miss my friends that are here and I don't see. Where is all the time going.
I miss my godchildren. I miss the what they look like when they smile. I miss laughing with them.
I miss the ideas that are gone.
Mostly I am happy. Mostly I am lucky. Some people don't even have something to miss.

2007-01-17T20:00:00.000-08:00

This may be a very unpopular post. I feel like I am alone in the sentiments I am about to express. I do feel the need to pour them out because they are trapped in part of me that finds it more and more difficult to understand people.
Lately I have been very alienated. I have had issues relating to many people. One of these issues is lust. I am a pretty sexual person but lately I have understood lust less and less. By lust I mean the physical lust and sexual want that people seem to have for glossy ideals of beauty. I feel like everywhere I go I see someone else worshipping another idealized model of a fake reality. I constantly hear people talking about how much they want that star or this model. I don't feel that.
It isn't like I haven't. I had my shares of Katherine Moennig, Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp moments but they are dwindling and dying out. I don't know what it is exactly, aside from a repulsion that comes from a society that only recognizes physical features as important and the constant pressure society puts on women to be one of these icons of a stylized beauty that doesn't exist in nature. I feel angry about it.
Attraction to me has its physical aspects. I enjoy the beauty of women and men. I enjoy looking at the way someone's eyes sparkle or the way their hair falls over their face. What I don't like is the fact that people seem to just see a picture or some Hollywood movie and engage as if it were some sort of love affair. It seems that people hardly recognize the amazing attractions that come from ideas and movements and chemistry. It seems like people don't notice things in people like the way their hearts and energies move their mouths or their fingers. How could they when the people they are watching don't even exist in their own lives.
Maybe it is just one more thing that is disconnecting us from ourselves and each other. I am not sure but I just can't seem to relate.

2006-12-19T06:24:00.000-08:00

I am off to Mexico again and I didn't even get past the second day for my first trip. I am sure this is some sort of sign that I shouldn't start projects until I finish them....what? Well I need to come back to this blog thing. I miss it. Life has just been a little strange which might mean a little normal for me.
This semester is over and all my student's grades are tucked away in the GPA's and I am ready to start work on a new semester. I am buying books for classes and getting ready to be an all new kind of studious. :)
Only one problem...I don't know what to pack. Where have all the packing fairies gone?

2006-11-22T06:50:00.000-08:00

Just Blank

Blank...Sleep....Blank....Something that has to be done....Blank.....and I don't feel like it.

My brain right now.

I don't know why I am so tired and uninspired but I am. I am doing so many projects and things and I seem to be losing my passion. Everything matters but it doesn't. I feel numb to everything but being in love. That is nice but at the same time the rest of life seems to be sleeping on the side. All I want to do is be under the covers with my Bug and close out the world.

Fortunately I am going to the Key West tomorrow. Life makes sense when you take road trips...

Meanwhile I will be sitting here doing work....blank....daydreaming about taking a nap....blank

2006-11-20T05:23:00.000-08:00

My voice is rebelling against me....
It has been shaking when I speak in public. Actually when I speak for more than one sentence at a time. I was considering that maybe it was the caffeine but that doesn't seem poetic enough for me.
Somebody said that I may be repressing something...It sounds likely. I don't know what it could be...It seems that my body is telling me I need to be more artistic. Maybe I am not using my voice for the words that need to be said. The reason I know this is that it doesn't shake when I sing or scream...

Yesterday I disocovered an art project called postsecret. You send in an a postcard with something you have never told anyone. I think it is an amazing project and got me thinking about all the ways that we don't communicate honestly with others and ourselves. I want to use my voice...but I want it to be meaningful...I think its time to create something.

2006-11-14T06:40:00.000-08:00

Day two Part one

Okay so back to the trip...

I am forgetting details sigh. I will have to include some pictures to be my witnesses.

Day Two
We got up earlier than I ever get up in Mexico (around 8) and laid around for a while until we started getting ready for our day. First we went to this play in Coyoacan to eat breakfast. They have wonderful Tacos and Quesadillas that are so amazing and delicious. weeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I really love that place.

Coyoacan is a little city that is now part of the biggest city. See mexico city used to be smaller, but its appetite is amazing. Coyoacan and many other little towns around the city were used for weekends. The city grew and grew and started eating the cities around it and now it is part of the city. It is a very nice little area with some cobble stone streets and nice classic architecture. It is also where the hippy market is. I love this place. We walked around the market for a while and went into the church of coyoacan.

2006-11-13T11:49:00.000-08:00

The Ocean

there was this girl
and she was water
and that was you
you were this girl
and i travelled
the rain in order to enter you

transparent
but hard to see through
i came onto into around through
in the darkness
with the moon as my witness
of the deep that was waiting beyond us

i found this water
nobody knew
i found this ocean
and it was waiting
inside of you

now i am this mermaid
now i am your siren
you hear me singing
and think me the temptress
when you are the air
i live in

2006-11-11T15:33:00.000-08:00

Garden of Weeds

I interrupt this voyage to bring you some other thoughts. ...Why not?
See I think I am going to fall of course (off course). How can I be relating the past and avoiding the present.? If I stay there I will be constantly telling you my past.
I need to move forward I think...
Well this is as forward as I get right now. I am at a turning point in my life...(Don't be surprised. It happens about every three months) I am a creature of exaggerated changes. Many of them are not seen. I go through entire revolutions of thought and feeling in my head before I say hello in the morning.
Mexico is also a breeding ground for my revolutions. It is the place that makes me certain of the things that I love and the person I want to be. It is there that I admire who I am and what my life is about. This trip had some interesting surprises that made me realize that it is not necessarily others, who I thought were my glue, that made me feel this way. It is the environment of necessity, honesty, art, creation and hunger that makes my soul wake up. Here I am telling you the past again...
Write now I take my life with hope....as I do....many days. I start over again today. I am in love with the idea of hope. I have been told most of my life that I am in love with being in love....(which I find somewhat ridiculous of a statement but understandable) Actually I am in love with hope and the idea..I am in love with formulating an existence out of something you do not know or understand..... Something that isn't born until you conceive it. When it does exist you find it fooled you because it was another color and another smell, like a dream with a different outcome in every corridor. This isn't the point though...The point is in opening your eyes everyday and looking for a new dream to inhabit.
If you are a child of change, the only thing to do is live comfortably in the changes and grow stability like a garden outside of your heart...unless you can take the heartbreak of falling just for the rush...I like my garden..even if the weeds are taller than I am and aggressive..They also have flowers and ideas...They survive.

2006-11-11T15:25:00.000-08:00

Day one Part two

I better get on this. Beside the pictures we took the memory is fast fading. I wonder why this is. It seems like things slip from their places in my mind quicker. I think it is an emotional link. Everything seems to be fading...

Back to Mexico

We arrived in Moo and Christian's house which is very nice. It is a home away from home with a beautiful, if aloof, cat named Lukas. We got settled in and got ready to leave again because there was going to be a dinner and we would meet our friends there soon. It was a nice moment to come home with my cousin and show my Bug the place where I have spent so many creative and escapist moments. It was also a bit surreal to get there and not have to call her. I am sure Moo is very happy with his phone bill.

We freshened up a bit and went downtown to Cafe Tacuba. This is a place that I really like. It serves traditional Mexican food. It is a tad expensive and touristy and the singers are quite annoying since they don't thing your conversation should stop them from singing and playing in your ears. The food is amazing and delicious. We met up with Christian and his friend who had come back from Riverdance. We also met Lalo, one of my best friends, and my king. We ate delicious enchiladas and had some Jamaica water, which is my favorite. It is a flavor that is made into tea it comes from a flower. The conversation was nice and the translation was almost effortless. We laughed and talked about our plans. I don't remember exactly what happened after that but we made it home and hung out for a moment before going to bed and resting after a long day of travel.

2006-11-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

Day one Part one

My bug and I boarded a plane after riding over to Miami with my aunt Patricia and having a little sandwich in the terminal. We were very very early (which was great no lines) and the flight was delayed an hour (not so great, seats not so comfortable). I slept on the little terminal chairs and was soon on the plane looking out the window.

After a three hour flight in which I did my best to sleep on her shoulder without hurting my neck we got off of the plane and walked briskly through the mexico city airport. the doors to the international entrance in the airport are fogged glass so that you can't see who is on the other side. every time the door opens you see a sea of faces waiting for their loved ones.

There is a button one pushes at customs. there is stop light mechanism that will flash green if you can go and red if you are going to get searched, your things taken out of your suitcase in front of everyone. i got red and my bug green. normally it freaks me out because i am a horrible packer and all of my things are spilling out of the seams of my suitcases. This time holi packed my bag and there was not problem because everything was nice and neat and ready to go.

Do to my unpacking-packing dilemma i had my attention sidetracked and away from the door. holi saw my moo first, waving and smiling. we walked around the crowd and found my very huggable cousin. we took a taxi that was coning us and then not coning us and had a pleasant conversation on the way to the moo-chris house.

2006-11-08T07:53:00.000-08:00

My poor blog is in such a state of disrepair. Sigh.....
I was in Mexico. My problem is how do you write about such a beautiful experience. In the airport with my aunt I did a speed talk thing. First we did this then this then ......
I don't want to do that because the whole experience was so rich and full of details which I misplaced the talent to describe. Either way I need to start somewhere and here is where....

2006-10-24T20:26:00.000-07:00

A poem for now...

Little Stones at My Window

Once in a while
joy throws little stones at my window
it wants to let me know that it's waiting for me
but today I'm calm
I'd almost say even-tempered
I'm going to keep anxiety locked up
and then lie flat on my back
which is an elegant and comfortable positionfor receiving and believing news
who knows where I'll be next
or when my story will be taken into account
who knows what advice I still might come up with
and what easy way out I'll take not to follow it
don't worry, I won't gamble with an eviction
I won't tattoo remembering with forgetting
there are many things left to say and suppress
and many grapes left to fill our mouths
don't worry, I'm convinced
joy doesn't need to throw any more little stones
I'm comingI'm coming.

Mario Benedetti

2006-10-24T06:03:00.000-07:00

Two old ladies in a rocking chair blowing bubbles with purple hair

Today is bob's birthday. She is one of the group of three that is our trinity. bob came into my life over a decade ago. The first time I saw her speak I thought, "I need to know this person because she is brilliant." We didn't really talk too much and then I went to France for a year. Fortunately when I came back we ended up at a foreign language magnet school together. She was studying Japanese and I pretended to study French. We rode the bus together and after a few awkward times where I would sit next to her and say nothing for an hour she warmed up to me. (Neither of us can remember how or why so maybe it was just destiny bonking us over the head and saying, "Damn it! How many more signs do you need!")
The rest is history because we have spent the last 13 years reading each other's minds and being each other's best confidants.
I can't say words to define how grateful I am to the universe for this human being. She is full of light and hope and can always make me laugh. (That is a big deal because we all know I don't have a sense of humor). On her birthday I honor who she is and the beauty she has brought into my life. I love you bob!!!

2006-10-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

Town Greeter

This morning I had one of those moments that I really like on the bus. I was sitting there with my music and my book making a little world in my head. I love those moments because I am surrounded by things that are beautiful to me regardless of the outside environment.
I thought to myself about how I was living outside of my present moment and that maybe I should take a break and observe people the way Bug does. In response the universe put a very angry man next to me. He had a crate that he slammed on the floor with newspaper in it. He took some of the newspaper and put it down on the seat and sat next to me looking at the time feverishly and occasionally making gestures I didn't understand with his hands. I was thinking about what might be the conflict he was feeling. I didn't really like this opening to the outside world but he reminded me of someone else.
When I lived in the north of Italy, I was surprised by the coldness of people. I always had this stereotype that Italian people were warm and friendly. A lot of them are but in the north people are more reserved until they know you. I would walk down the little streets of my tiny city, Seregno. The weather would be cold and the unsmiling faces would make everything seem a little greyer. There was this man that walked up and down the streets. He was the town "crazy" person. Every day make his rounds smiling at everyone and saying hello. It was a compulsive kind hello. He dressed in beautiful suits and just stuck to his greeting occupation. I used to think he was the only sane one. He wanted some human interaction and all he encountered was the winter of a society's busy obsession with nothing.
Today I thought of the man in Italy and wondered why the man next to me was so angry. Was he once a town greeter too?

2006-10-23T12:49:00.000-07:00

2006-10-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

Holi's hands

(Don't tell her because she will get embarrassed)

Holders of my heart
Warm, caring
Beautifully scarred
echoes of motion
Creators, Artists, Lovers
Tools and Feelings

holders of my thoughts
Fingers made out of my emotions
Recreation of the exact moment
Recreation of my Self
I know I am when I am touched
"How am I not myself"

2006-10-22T11:57:00.000-07:00

Coffee Shop

I am in a little coffee shop trying to concentrate on my work and thinking of writing. It really doesn't matter what I write. I want to dedicate my days to writing and reading. I am currently reading E.M. Forster. I am reading a collection of his posthumous work. This concept freaks me out a little bit. I always wonder if it was meant to be published at all. It is sad to think about how we commercialize creation. ...I digress. When he died they found all manor of unpublished works. There were plays, poems, short stories, essays, talks....and that is before you consider that he also had letters diaries and notebooks. Right now this is the best I can do..This and my emails and about a poem a month. My fingers are sore anyway.
I love this moment because I am listening to beautiful music with my book nearby. There are ideas everywhere and there was a bird here. The door opened and a bird flew in. It stayed over the place where my head is. The door stayed opened and the sun came in to be part of the idea of a Sunday afternoon. I was comforted by the idea of a creature hanging with us while people screamed for fear that this being might attack him. Strange.

2006-10-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

Tangled hair and painted ideas

Today I went to the beach. I went for a walk with some music that puts me into the world outside of the chaos called normalcy. I went on a job interview earlier this week and I thought of the difference between who I am and who I am pretending to be. I don't think of myself as a sell out. I genuinely care about and enjoy the philosophfy that I put into my work. What I don't like is the politicking. I don't enjoy wearing a suit or blow drying my hair. I like to have messy, sandy, windy, dancing hair. I like to wear tank tops and flowy skirts. I like to have paint in my finger nails and not on my finger nails. I like to wear glitter not coordinate make up that makes me look like I am awake when I am not because I am not a morning person. I just want purple dreads. I will be just as professional and brilliant and I am sure I will be more helpful in jeans. Maybe I could teach English on the beach...I actually have done that. I think you learn better when you your soul is learning with you and you aren't trying to pretend that your mind is some formality that someone else created for you.

2006-10-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

Friends

I am so grateful for my friends right now. My job has been draining on me in a very intense way. I feel so uninspired everyday and it is taking a toll. One thing makes everything better. My friends.
Right now I am feeling really gushy about these people that make every day more beautiful. When I say my friends I include these people:
Holiday: Not only my lover but my light. My constant companion and friend and partner. She fills my days when the world keeps working on emptying them.
The trinity: Moo and Bob are my soul friends that can feel my heart without words. I can't say what it means to have people that are in your veins at all times.
Bubamara: These people show me that art and creating are in everything. Politics are in your everyday life and you can live for a higher bohemian ideal. They make me believe that another society is possible.
My home friends Aubri and Becca: These two girls fill my days with witty emails and creative ideas. Just when I start taking things too seriously they send me a skit where I am dressed as a superhero or a picture of a shushing carrot.
Michelle: Who is always there for me even when she is not there.
Nicki: Who always asks me what color I am.
My new friends: I have been so inspired to meet Heather and Mia and just sit down and find someone who loves literature and someone who loves political activism in my world.
Because of these people I feel I have built a family out friendship. I am grateful for all of them.

2006-10-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

I have so many things to say all day and then I sit here with nothing.
My life feels somewhat surreal most of the time and yet seems so boringly normal. Go to work, rant, read, rant, rant, rant....sigh....rant, apply for job, rant, go home after really long day, love my girlfriend and rant, do work, relax, eat, rant, sleep, wake up, go to work....blah
Where is my balloon ride?
I need some more glitter.

2006-10-19T07:33:00.000-07:00

Lists of lists and lists within lists

Some of you already know I have an obsession with lists. I have a project where I ask all of my friends to write 100 things that make them happy. I love these lists because it makes people sit down and actually conceptualize things that they sometimes take for granted or forget. I like to do one every year. I like to do one for my relationship, one for my books...well if you get to know me you will realize I like making lists out of everything. Anyway I digress. A friend of mine had the idea that instead of giving me her hundred things, she would do ten things for every day. I am going to start that again. Today I will incorporate it here so you get the idea but I am going to create a seperate blog for THE LISTS :) here is yesterday's....

Top ten things yesterday.

1. Sleeping in for an hour
2. Reading a short story
3. Reading Bob's blogs (blog is such an ugly word)
4. Going to whole foods
5. Eating an apple pie
6. Taking off my shoes
7. Getting a wonderful anniversary present (early)
8. Eating a delicious dinner
9. Smelling my new conditioner
10. Giving a foot massage with apple cream

2006-10-18T08:51:00.000-07:00

no writes

i am slacking on the blog lately..
i don't want to
i want to write in it all the time
i want to make little lists
i want to write things that don't matter
i want to write little fictions and little facts
i want to write poetry
i want to make a brilliant symphony of dreams woven together into words
but right now it seems i can only write
a list of i wants
without the actual writes

2006-10-13T12:13:00.000-07:00

idea separated

TRINITY
not in three words
simple plain easy
how to explain a meaning
that took a whole life to find

in one
question -- one question
by a stranger
in search of an answer
not mine
Mother Daughter
Holy Spirit

Trifecta
Wrong-Right-True
lines faded
by a start-like evolution

It means three
but more importantly
It means ONE
a unity in difference
an idea separated

2006-10-13T08:34:00.000-07:00

my truth

my truth is in love and full of art and color. my truth is studying literature and writing poetry. my truth is being around people i love and not having to put my calls and emails in between work and school. my truth is creative and restless. my truth has purple dreadlocks and smiles a lot. my truth has little jobs here and there and lives with people that make her happy. my truth isn't worried. my truth knows. my truth is spiritual and loving. my truth is also bitter and angry. my truth is not freaked out by paradox and doesn't fear herself. my truth gets tattoos when she wants them and falls in love every day. my truth sees birds when others forgot to look up. my truth is quiet and playful and loves glitter. my truth is loud and serious and loves dark clothes. my truth speaks all of the languages of her past and doesn't forget how to spell meaning. my truth is in love every day.

2006-10-12T17:22:00.000-07:00

Something soon

Yesterday I went home after work with the idea of unconsciousness embedded into my entire being. All I wanted to do was weave dreams in the state of mind that does not require any living energy. I was completely exhausted...Exhausted from sex, dancing, playing, singing, laughing, kissing? No. Exhausted from working, teaching, thinking, worrying, cleaning, and the other things that make life seem like something you were sent here to do on an hourly wage.

I was more than a little grumpy and took a nap that lasted until my stomach and cat woke me up. I ate and slept and that was it....I guess everyday can't be like walking into the novel that no one has written but these days are starting to take up more and more space. Something has to change soon.

2006-10-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Deep

I keep thinking this should be something deep. This, being a poetry world where I reveal my ability to do beautiful things. The truth is they are boxed into a song I haven't heard yet. I am waiting for an idea that will let go of itself. I had a professor that used to tell me I was afraid of myself. I was blocking my writing. I think I am getting better and better at it (the blocking not the writing).

My friend said I am taking myself too seriously. I will let go and the next blog will be about something that happened instead of an idea that is still holding on to a brain cell that won't let go.

2006-10-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

Feeding the fish

Is it wrong that I have fantasies about throwing Bug's phone into a lake? Is it wrong to happily consider the thought of the jeopardy song slowly gurgling and drowning before my eyes? Is it wrong to imaging putting crackers in the phone where the battery goes so that some duck may eat it? (Well that one REALLY IS bad. Don't tell PETA)

I went to lunch with Bug and the Jeopardy Song wanted to be the theme song for the moment. I was sitting there, bored, after having already cleaned out my wallet, thinking about ways to terrorize the evil phone. On the second phone call when I was wondering why I had left my book in the car, I suddenly heard, "Excellent, Very good, ...." I thought to myself, "NO NO NO NO NO" A freaking survey!! If we had a penny for every survey she does, we would be billionaires.

I guess it is wrong but I can fantasize.

2006-10-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Multiplicity

I have decided to divide my life into a few categories today. I am not sure what I want to talk about so I will talk about everything. This is, of course, not everything that matters but everything that is taking up space in my life....and a few things that matter......

Librarylapin#1 Employee: Yesterday was a full day of the same nothingness that I have been doing for three years without change. My illusions went up and down about employment changes that may or may not happen while I wondered and worried about the other Librarylapins you will soon read about. All in all a good day of screaming at nothingness and praying to the Dilbert gods.

Librarylapin#2 Professor: Apparently, by professor, I actually mean babysitter. Yesterday was one of the those frustrating days when I wonder why I do this in the first place. I was looking at a sea of blank faces for an hour waiting for my evaluation to take place. The evaluator never came and I did not manage (for some strange reason) to make punctuation the new meaning of life for my students. I left demoralized and tired.

Librarylapin#3 Student: She is one of my favorite characters. She gets to say what she wants, wear what she wants, and feel the way she wants. After the wonderful teaching experience, I changed into my civilian clothes and went off to my class with Faulkner in my hand. I had a wonderful rant about the shadow of shadows in the shadow next to the shadow that Faulkner uses to describe darkness. You know when you use SO MANY shadows its just dark. They lose their effect. Heather said I may not like it. She was right. I am going to try though. I am going to read all of Faulkner and I am going to get it but yesterday was not the day. I think he needed an editor. Anyway it was fun in a torturous mournful kind of way.

Librarylapin#4 Girlfriend: Who? Oh yeah I exist. Poor bug, she takes such good care of me.

Librarylapin#5 Friend: I don't know how I would get through my day without the fabulous emails of a core group of fabulous friends. Phew...

That was yesterday. Today I don't want to be anyone but napgirl.

2006-10-10T06:45:00.000-07:00

Being a wagon

Yesterday was a long day. I moved in with my girlfriend, Bug. Well actually I moved in with Bug eleven months ago and have been on a perpetual eternal cycle of getting all of my things to her house.

Yesterday was bookshelf day. Bookshelves are very important because I am a book fiend and the cats are quickly taking out the towers that have stacked up on the floor.

The bookshelves were easily wheeled down to the truck because Bug is tetris girl and can make anything fit anywhere. I was in charge of the elevator and became an expert at the "ho-de-dow" game.

I realized that in ten years I would like to have a picture of the next part. After all the bookcases went into the truck we had to put all the actual shelves into it. Bug stacked them on the roller cart thing and then, for steering, I sat on them while she pulled me by the hand. We were on a second floor balcony and were doing all we could to steer using my arms. Aside from thinking about how ridiculous it would be to die falling off of a second story building while sitting on a bunch of wood planks, I realized that this was the most fun I had had in a while....sigh
I need to get out more.